Two months has passed since my last blog post and, with it, many things have changed in my life. The blog post from March talked about a guy I had met and that I really liked. Well, our first official date with just the two of us was on March 19th. We went to dinner then to the movies; I really had a good time. When he dropped me back off, he told me he had a good time and that he would text me, but he never made an attempt to kiss me. I had never been kissed, I still haven’t, so I was somewhat nervous that he would try to kiss me and I wouldn’t know what to do. As it turned out, though, we just talked when he dropped me off. I was both disappointed and relieved; a strange combination, I know. Following that date, we texted back and forth for almost two weeks.
After two weeks, he asked me out again. We made plans for that Saturday night. I was excited and nervous; nervous mainly because I had decided to take the initiative and kiss him at the end of our date. That Friday morning, though, I got a text from him saying that something came up and he would need to take a rain check on that date; no further explanation and no time set for another date. It really hurt; it felt like I was being rejected. That evening, though, while walking with my sister, I got another text from him; this one confusing. He asked if Sunday at 10 still worked for me; the confusing part being that we had never discussed a date or time for another date. I respondent with a simple text asking ‘What?’. He then asked me out on a date for Sunday at 2:30. The first part seemed odd, but I didn’t think much of it. We made plans for him to pick me up Sunday.
Fast-forward to Sunday morning after church when I am getting ready for our date. I get a text from him just before our date saying that I can just meet him at a certain restaurant in town at 2 (30 minutes early which barely given me time to get there) because that’s where he is going to eat. His text made him come across as a total jerk and, when I showed my Mom his text, she said that I didn’t have to go if I didn’t want to. But I knew that texts could sometimes come across totally different than what was intended, so I went. He acted strange all through lunch; stared off into space a lot and didn’t seem to be paying attention to the conversation, blaming it on him being sleepy. At the end of lunch, he hugged me in the parking lot but hung around my car seeming really nervous about something, told me he had a good time and that he would text me, then left. I was confused at the end of that date; I didn’t know how he felt because he was acting so strange. All I had to go on was that he told me he had a good time.
Fast-forward again to the following Tuesday, two days after our lunch date and I still hadn’t heard from him. I had class all morning that day then went straight from class to work and worked until late that night. When I got off work and back to my car, I had a text message from him. It was short and to the point: he said he didn’t see me and him going anywhere in a relationship and that he didn’t feel that things were ever going to take off and that I should find someone else. I was so hurt and felt so rejected. I cried the entire trip home which was almost an hour drive. The tears didn’t stop when I got home; I cried for hours that night and ended up giving myself a migraine. The following morning was not better and I ended up talking to my supervisor and she gave me the day off work. All of those insecurities and feeling of worthlessness came rushing back. I spent hours analyzing what was wrong with me; why he didn’t feel the same about me as I did him.
Five days later, when I was finally working through the tidal wave of emotions, another shock wave came my way; a friend informed me that he had been dating another girl for the past two month… the same two months he had been dating me. As it turns out, the date that he had on Sunday at 10 was with her… he had sent me the text by accident after mistakenly deleting all the contacts from his phone. This once again sent my world spinning. Did he even mean to ask me out that last time? Was it just that he accidentally sent me that text and then didn’t know how else to get out of it? That was enough to knock my confidence down a few more notches.
How did I eventually move past this? I had to take responsibility for my own choices and disobedience. I prayed about the first date and God let me know that I was okay to go out with him; I didn’t have that clearance on the next date. Why? Because I knew that he wasn’t where he needed to be with God. I know many would disagree with me, but, as a Christian, I won’t date someone who doesn’t share those Christian beliefs and values. Some things he had mentioned during our first date sent up red flags; his drinking habits, his relationship habits, his disrespect for some people, and the fact that he insulted people that he knew I was friends with. Why did I not immediately break things off and not go out with him anymore? I was desperate… I wanted a relationship, I wanted a husband, I wanted a family. For as long as I can remember, my number one goal has been to be a wife and mother and I was getting impatient thinking that it would never happen; I was to a point where I was willing to settle. I realize now that this was a great mistake on my part; I was knowingly letting a relationship continue with someone who didn’t share my beliefs and, if I had been obedient after our first date, I could have saved myself a lot of heartache.
Where have I came since then? I have spent the past two months once again gaining the confidence and boldness that I need. I have often pushed myself outside my comfort zone, something I would not have done before. And, with each time I push myself to confront uncomfortable situations, the more comfortable I am when I am once again faced with that situation. I have a long way yet to go, but I am slowly and surely getting my to where I need it to be. I am still single and childless… but I AM a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a friend, a youth leader, a student, and an employee. There are so many things that I am, why complain about the things that I am not? With God’s help, I will wait on HIS timing… for everything happens in His time and taking things into my own hands only leads to unnecessary heartache; a lesson I learned the hard way. Until next time…