I never felt as though I was ‘good enough’. I never felt like I was pretty enough. I never felt like I had it all together; in fact, I felt like everything was constantly falling apart. I never felt like anyone would ever like me once they found out what I really like. So, I did what so many people do when they don’t like who they are: I became someone I wasn’t.
I lived like that for years. Always trying to be so very careful how I talked, how I acted, what I said… afraid that someone would see the real me and be disappointed. I always made sure to smile at the right times so that it looked like I lived this perfect, happy life. Inside, though, I was miserable. I dealt with such a deep depression. I could hold that smile in place until I got home, then I would immediately break down in tears.
But then God brought about a change in my life; a drastic change that has altered the way I see everything. It started slowly about two years ago. I had just started my work-study at the college and was just starting my first semester on the main campus; and I was a wreck. I was so backward about talking to any of my coworkers or classmates, that I didn’t talk to them at all. I would barely say two words to them and eye contact was completely out of the question. I felt like, if they knew the real me, they wouldn’t like me. I kept everyone at arm’s length. Thanks to some very persistent co-workers who saw potential in me when I was none, I came a long way that year… and made wonderful friends with my co-workers.
Now, fast forward to this year, my junior year of college. I had came a long way, but I still didn’t feel comfortable totally being myself. That’s when God started making major changes in my life. He gave me wonderful friends in the same social work program I am in; friends that I can talk to… friends that accept me. Still, I felt that no man would ever find me attractive… that no man would ever like the real me… that marriage and family was something that would never be in my grasp. Then, one of my friends from school introduced me to one of his coworkers. A man that I really like. And, at the age of 20, I finally have my first crush. Do I know where this relationship will go? No, I honestly don’t. We’ve only been talking (well, um, texting actually) for about three weeks, but I really like this guy.
We’ve ‘went out’ together twice: the first time, I invited him to church with me and, the second time, to play cards and hang out at a couple’s house that we were both friends with. But, as much as I like him, I’m still afraid. What if he doesn’t like me once we spend time together just the two of us? What if I say the wrong thing? What if I’m not good enough? What if he doesn’t think I’m pretty? These are the thoughts that keep bombarding my mind, and they aren’t of God. The Bible says that God made me in His image… that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. How do I so easily forget that I was created by a God who doesn’t make mistakes. God has shown me so much, but I know I still have growing left to do. But God isn’t finished with me yet… I know He has a plan for my life. And, while I’m waiting to find out what that is, I’m striving to be me… the real me… and no one else.
X O X O,